Intimacy

"It's not like I'm a slut, or that I really like to fuck,
I just want every boy I see to walk away with part of me.
until there's nothing left to hold, until there's nothing left to
hate.
I appreciate your help but even you can't save me from myself"
-Her Space Holiday - Japanese Gum

"What are you afraid of?" he asks her. She lays her head down on his chest and closes her eyes as she listens to his heart beat. She recollects the pain and heartbreaks she endured in her previous relationships; one who was physically abusive, the other who was emotionally abusive and a cheater. She remembers the fights she's had in the past with her ex's; the buckets of tears she's cried as she desperately tried to make a failing relationship work. She would create fantasies of a perfect relationship, and complacently live in her made up fantasy.

"I like to believe there's someone out there for me. And one day I'll meet him. And we'll wind up happily ever after. But until then..." she pauses, "I don't know what I want". Commitment scares her. Her emotions have taken a strain, to an extent that she's unsure she can recover from. She can't remember the last time she's let a man into her personal life. She can't recall the last time she's felt comfortable in the arms of a man. She can't remember the last time she felt security. She can't remember the last good night's sleep she's had.

Again, he's got her naked in his bed. He's got her in his control. She knows he has the upper hand; she's lost the battle here. In a way she feels a sense of relief as she can drop her tough-girl act, as he sees her in her most vulnerable state. She wants to be able to express her concerns and emotions with him. She enjoys the intimacy with him. She enjoys the rough, emotionless sex. She lets herself go with him, as he brings her to new heights and climaxes she's never felt before. She wants him to be the guy she can open up to.

"I don't expect you to understand," she states coldly. "I can't be with you". He lays in silence as he rubs her back and cuddles her.

"It's fine," he finally says. She contemplates his words as she tries to piece his thoughts and emotions. Frustration overcomes her as she realizes she can't read him. His gestures are sweet and kind, but those sweet nothings last only for the duration they're together.

"I don't even know your last name," she confesses. "And I don't want to know it," she adds.

He caressed her thigh lightly as she sat up besides him, silently buttoning up her blouse. She looks out the window, it's pitch black. Glancing over at the clock, it reads "2:04am". His hand makes its way up her leg, almost in a gesturing manner that he wants her to stay, as he tries to seduce her again. She smiles politely to the shirtless boy comfortably laying on his bed.

"I've got to get going," she says. He nods understandingly, pulling his arm away and situates it behind his head, positioning himself with his chest flexed to show his muscular pecks. He knows her weakness; he knows her inability to control her desires for him. Her eyes linger down his body, she bites her lower lip as she envisions herself propped on top of him, riding him. Their eyes lock, and he gives her a coy smile. He's got her right where he wants. She struggles against her desires to fuck him through the night or to head home so she can be presentable for work in the morning.

"Baby," he starts, "you're welcome to spend the night over". She shakes her head as she quickly stands up and starts to collect her belongings.

She continues to fight with herself internally. She enjoys their adventurous sex and intimacy. She enjoys the thrill that comes from the secrecy of not knowing who he really is. Yet she enjoys his company, his touch, the way he looks at her, above all, the way he makes her feel. She wants to be able to open up to him, but can't bring herself to be honest. She can't decide whether she wants to take the leap and begin to emotionally delve herself in him by getting to know him or to leave the relationship the way it is, shrouded in mystery.

"I'll see you soon," she says in a seductive tone as she bends over to kiss him goodnight. She makes her way to the door before he stops to offer to walk her to the train station. She can't tell whether his offer is just trying to be nice and gentleman-like or actually genuine. "It's okay," she says, "it's just down the block," she begins to turn the handle on the door. In her mind, she wants him to get up, get dressed and walk her; but she's afraid of showing him her fragility or any emotions for that matter. She fights her urges to hop back into bed with him and makes her way out the bedroom door.