For Lack of a Better Name

I've noticed that my conversations lack any appeal of a romantic life. Looking back, sometimes wonder if I even had one...maybe just not one worth speaking about. You'd think that a girl in her teens would at least write about her latest love interest, whether it be a celebrity crush or stranger. But these are just things that I'd like to ignore, even if they happen to come up from time to time. There's just so many other more important matters (or so I trick myself into believing) that require my time investment.

I like to think that there's no need to concern ourselves with the idea of finding a significant other because with time, somewhere in the great scheme of things, he/she will come along. Yet, there's no lying that the idea of finding somebody still occupies a substantial portion of my thoughts. It's only natural, no?

And here comes the internal tug-o-war raging in my mind. Why bother, I reason. There are not enough hours in a day to worry yourself with such affairs. Stop tormenting yourself with such unruly things and indulge yourself in the three f's -- friends, family, and food. Everything else will fall into place. Everything will be just fin-- Au contraire mon frere, after all, a girl can have her doubts. Insert insecurities and belligerent monologue.

"What if I will never find somebody!? All the good men out there are being taken by more beautiful, deserving, intelligent, and talented girls! What if I fall deeply for somebody who cannot reciprocate the same feelings?! I'll remain heartbroken and unwilling to move on, wasting precious time that I could be using to find someone else! What if I panic about my future and just end up settling into a mediocre relationship?! I will be 'content', stick it out for a few years, carry on with the rest of my life, eventually build a family, finally abandon all of them in some kind of mid-life crisis where I freak out, seek a resolve, travel the world in a quest for spiritual enlightenment and lastly, find an extraordinary lover to rekindle the romance that was missing in my life to begin with!!"

Luckily such stuff doesn't occupy my mind constantly, otherwise I'm pretty sure an emotional breakdown would occur. Maybe that's why I leave my romantic affairs private as I have for many years. Having to come back and read this crap occasionally may drive me into recurrent self-pity. But who knows, maybe I'm just saving the good stuff for a future post.