Discuss your first love and first kiss.

Though this is a few days late, I figured I'd make a Valentine's Day post. This is about my first love and some of its obstacles. Reminiscing about my first crush on Valentine's Day only seemed natural.

My first love would be one that took the longest to get over. We had met when I was in first or second grade from our mutual bff, Ben. At that time, we were 6 or 7, a time when boys had cooties and lots of silly teasing went about. Craig was a jerkface then, but I hung around him because of Ben. We used to play these pretend games where we had cute personas and characters, I was Princess Monk Monk, a nickname I was given after I was Princes Leia for Halloween in second grade. Craig was Junior, Ben was.. Benny? Lame. But yeah. We used to have all these crazy scenarios of things attacking us, missions and outdoor adventures. I used to act like I hated Craig as a kid, but I never did.

It wasn’t until middle school where Craig and I started talking to each other without our group of friends. It started on AIM, where for the first time, he stopped being a jerk always teasing and actually started to talk to me as a civilized human. My parents had started fighting that year and I began to open up to him about my personal matters. I mean, we always got along with each other, even if half of it was play fighting and teasing, it was only natural for me to feel comfortable enough to open up to him.

We used to spend our Fridays at the Canteen and Rock Lobsters, local bands playing shows and a place where middleschool punk-ass kids hung out. (Oh, I was so badass… yeah right). But it was a place to hang out with my friends on Friday nights. We started spending more time with each other. My feeling for him grew bigger and stronger, but I was too afraid to admit to any of it. I honestly can’t tell you how it all played out anymore… Which is sad considering this story used to play out in my head like a broken record. I’d have to go back an reread my Livejournal if I really wanted to remember all the details.

I remember one night, he gives me his journal he wrote in. He wasn’t very good with expressing his feelings and thoughts in person. Much of our important conversations took place online. But he gives me his journal, I spent that night reading through it. In which he confesses his feelings for me. Somehow after that we start going out.

Our first kiss would be at Emily’s house a few months after we started dating. We were in her basement hanging out with others. It was a Christmas party. We sat together on the couch, and eventually he came in for a kiss. I must’ve melted into a goo of just cheesy cheese from happiness and butterflies. That Christmas I was also given a present I could never forget. First was a necklace and a stuffed animal of a frog, then the best present of them all; A cassette tape with a song he wrote and played for me, “Belly Button”. Cutest fucking thing ever. The tape still sits in my radio at home… Every once in awhile I play it, and it never fails to bring a smile to my face.

Our relationship would continue for several months. Until my crazy teenage angst and melodrama became too much to handle for him. Our break up was somewhat messy, I was devastated and upset. We got back together a month later initially. Then broke up again another month in. I started dating another guy for a few weeks, and broke up with the new boy to get back to Craig, yet again. The whole on-again, off-again continued over the course of two years.
Despite having dated other guys, I always thought about Craig. I was finally getting over him, and sophomore year in high school he finds his way back into my life. How did that even start? I remember sneaking out of my house night after night just to spend hours aimlessly driving about and talking. Nothing ever came of that situation besides my feelings being stirred up again. This was over the winter break. School started again, and we kinda just went back to how things were. Come spring again, and things started yet again. He wound up in the hospital one night and since I had lived a few blocks from the hospital I spent a good deal of time keeping him company. Then his ex, the one he broke up with me for, came back into his life, they got back together, I walked away from the whole thing. Went away to college… Six years later and I still thought about him.

It wasn’t until Emily told me about his coke addiction in college that I finally got over him. It’s not like we talked much then or saw each other. He just never left the back of my mind. I had this fantasy and perfect image of him and who he was all in my mind. The reality of his coke addiction is what knocked some sense into me and allowed my dream image of him to shatter and finally move on. I hope he’s still not badly relying on coke, I hope he’s happy in his new relationship, I hope he’s found happiness with his life. I’m sorry I was always too timid to make a move and even admitting my feelings properly. Our whole shitshow of a relationship was ruined because of me being a confused, angsty teenager. I feel slightly bad that his coke addiction wasn’t something I wanted to help him through. I actually wanted no part of it, and that’s what finally made getting over him possible.

Today, we run into each other every few months… when I go home to Glen Cove and shop at CVS when he happens to be working. Too bad he never quite fit my fantasy of him. Instead, I’m disappointed in who he’s become because I know he could’ve been so much more. But I guess such is life.