To... you

i had a dream about toy last night i found you in the theater with a camera (as usual). you were beautiful but you got a little taller with more muscles. you smiled at me just the same as chem back in junior year. i loved that about you. you always smiled at me. we shot the breeze for a while then we began to talk about why we didn't work out. i then realized that my mind was trying to tell me something..... i broke your heart and didn't realize it because i thought you didn't want me. in reality we were as in love and any other highschoolers at the time but i wsn't your girlfriend. i remember the day so clearly "can we talk after school" is what my plain black and white text read you answered with the usual "sure" we met after school on the gren grass and i spoke the last words of mine you would ever hear in that year of 2009. "what are we? friends? more than friends? are you my boyfriend and i your girlfriend? tell me now" you stared into my eyes on the verge of tears and said "I DON'T KNOW" that wasn't what i wanted to hear from you... the boy who had shared my chem bench all year previously. the boy i would have gladly dated had he said yes. they boy i still dream about even though i belong to another man now. you know how they saw you never forget your first love? though i love my boyfriend dearly i can not shake myself of the love we had all junior year at MHS. this is to you that dear boy from chem junior year. i wish we were still friends and i still got to see that wonderful smile

Just thinking

yesterday i took two finals and today i traveled back home just for the week. i am not really religious but i truly am blessed. i have good health, a good family, getting my education and i have a wonderful group of friends and a great boyfriend!! i am truly happier than i've ever been before. i have not seriously complained in ages and i feel great physically. it must be something with the weather. though it has been raining for about two days straight i still am happy most of the time because summer is like here for us already. i am gonna miss living with one of my closest friends on campus but i'm def gonna see her over the summer so it's all good! no summer job but i don't really spend money that often so i think i will be okay. im looking forward to a stress free summer of living my life!

Psychic Reading after Amer Decameron Show

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At the Hell's Kitchen food festival I got my palm read by this woman named Sabrina. She was ridiculously accurate in her reading.. or maybe she was a great guesser but either way... She told me that I should have went to law school and that I was "diverging" from my chosen path. I would meet a love interest in August, and anyone who I'm talking to now is just fun! I'm apparently going to have one marriage and three kids, two boys and one girl. (Yeah..I dunno about that!) she also said not any time soon. I should be working for myself.. and basically, that I am way too nice. She said I do more for others instead of myself and I really should focus on myself. She also told me someone I loved had died recently because she felt that presence around me (true). If freaked me out a bit.. some things were spot on .. some not so much..Pretty cool. I probably wouldn't do it again though! I'm about living life the way I want to, having fun, and doing me without the guidance and opinions from others!!

My parents Vs. my Boyfriend

so i have been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half i love having him around and i can honestly say i could see myself married to him in the future <3 i admit sometimes he can be a bit childish but then again so can I. my parents still see me as their little girl who wasn't ever interested in boys (cuz i used to be kinda ugly back in the day >_<) so when i invite my Bf to go places with me they are annoyed only because i focus so much attention on him Vs. them. back in the day we'd go to the city for plays and such and it was just the rents, bothers and myself and i tented to interact with my parents more cuz my brothers were too busy goofin off. now i focus more on my Bf. he is an ony child and his parents love to have me around! they take me out to dinner and stuff all the time. they invite me to events and everything. no fuss. no problem. why can't my parents be like that seriously i am freaking 19 years old (in 26 days) and they still are acting like children. they should know by now how i feel about my Bf and that he is now one of the focuses of my life. they need to stop being sofa king selfish and let me go just a little bit. i already go away to school so letting me go is not a big for them but this one thing keeps them mad. ugh i can not wait until i can be free completely free!!

Protection

What is love? Well, what I mean is what do you think love is? Some people think it's those darn butterflies you get in your stomach, some think it's a kiss in the rain, others think it's chocolates and flowers. Truth is, it's all of those things and none of them. That's a total oxymoron, but there's no one definition to love. For me, I love having my boyfriend by my side when I need him most. It's not the moments that he does cute, planned out things, but rather those unexpected behaviors. When I'm sick, he takes care of me. He makes me food when I'm feeling tired and unable to get up. This picture was of a night when I was tired and had a horrible stomach ache. I slept like a baby, and not once did he try to wake me up. He made sure I was feeling okay, which was so comforting. For me, love is feeling like I'm home when I'm not. And he's my home.

The Train Brain: 6 things

today i took the train back to jersey like i've been doing all year. but today there was something different about the train ride. maybe because it was my last class today or W/e. any way on the train i let my mind wonder and came up with ideas to blog about. i typed these on my ipod and now i will expand on here these are my Train Brain ideas.

" there are 6 things i want in life. to graduate college, get married, get a goof job, have kids, own a boat and have an in-ground pool. is that too much to ask???"

on the train home i see alot of beautiful houses on long island i got to thinking. I WANT TO LIVE LIKE THAT. now don't get me wrong my parents have provided a good life for me and my brothers, but i want to be the one to provide the same for my children in the future. now i have always wanted to own a boat but if i can't get it then i will settle for a beach house >_<. I DREAM BIG AND NEVER SETTLE FOR LESS. lets just hope i can force my dreams into a reality...

Vlog # 3 Love and other thoughts

Started taking about love then went on about dreams of the future

Caitlin Richards 13

this is my favorite song- it was "showed" to me by an "ex?"
He knew I already knew and loved this song, but felt it necessary to text me
"hey caitie, heard this song and thought you might like it, brings me back"
Don't act like you don't know, I know this song already. We are still close friends and talk a lot and we always bonded over sharing music, but I don't know what kind of message that text was supposed to be. I mean we always send eachother music we hear, but not this song, why this one? It can't be my favorite anymore.


Adele~ Someone Like You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZtUjFJvYkA

Love.

PS: he would be the one signing this...i broke him, and i can't forgive myself enough to fix him.

Love, will I ever find you?

Ah love, you seem to elude me at every turn in the form of crushed crushes. Though I know the real reason why I can never find you... it's because I never did those chain emails. You know, the ones that say "pass this on to 10 people otherwise a girl will come out of a mirror, and KILL YOU!!11!11!” Though in all seriousness, love, I have yet to experience you. Maybe because I've never been brave enough to find love myself? No, I was brave once and the result was not pretty.

At the time I was but a shy twelve year old who, on Valentines Day, decided to take a chance and give a valentine to Frankie*, the boy I had a crush on since kindergarten. He was blond haired and blue eyed, and was liked by almost all the girls in my class. He was leaving for Ireland later that year and I figured it was now or never to reveal my feelings for him. As I placed the valentine on his desk a friend of mine noticed and distracted when I looked back he was staring at me, holding my valentine and said "Kelly*, did you make this?” Feeling the heat on my face I did what anyone would do in this situation. I ran for it. I ran out the door down two flights of stairs, till I finally got into the old Audi. My dad was still smoking his Marlboro cigarette when he said "Munchkin, wha-" "JUST DRIVE!" I screamed as I quickly put on my seat belt and curled up into a ball in the backseat. I was left to wonder what was his reaction until I saw him the next day or so. Well as it turns out once I had left this is what he said "...EWWWWW!!!!!" he also threw the valentine to his friend who threw it back at him, and this continued until my valentine was left in the corner of the room where it chilled there for, I don't know, maybe a week or so? Eventually it was given back to me by one of my classmates, and later (for some unexplained reason) I apologized for even giving him the valentine in the first place.

Fast forward five years and I'm now in college. Still haven't found love, and had to (in a sense) be re-introduced to boys as I spent my high school years in an all girl school. I joined the marching band, where I fell for someone in my section. At first we weren't really friendly towards each other, though as time went on I grew to like him and he could make me so happy just by being there. I felt comfortable being around him, as though I didn't have to worry about being shy. As time went on these feelings persisted and I wondered if what I felt really was love or if I was just confusing it for something else. We mellowed out during the long winter break as I continued to wonder if there could be something between us. Eventually we were re-united and after one Friday night we unexpectedly bumped into each other and slowly made our way to Tabler in the dark coldness with his friends. As we passed the TAC we went to the right as his friends went left. His friends proceeded to make innuendos and the like as he expressed his disapproval. It was at this point that I thought it was now or never and in a feat of bravery, I kissed him. Taken aback he was about to say something when I interrupted him and said "I-I know I'm not that beautiful or amazing, but I think I like you and hoped that maybe, we could-" putting a finger to my lips he kissed my forehead. He brought me into a tight embrace as I felt the warmth of his body as well as happiness... at which point I snapped out of my day dream before I could slip on an icy patch. We were still walking when he said, "Kelly, you know I, really like..." feeling butterflies in my stomach I wondered, could it be that he likes me!?! Yes, you like.... Jessica*.... Jessica. The oboe* player trying to become a baritone horn player. He asked if I noticed anything between them, trying to conceal my pain I said maybe. He then had the audacity to ask, "Is there anyone in band you like?" I replied "Not, really..." feeling a sense of embarrassment, and..relief? We hugged before we parted ways and being alone once more I felt more relieved than anything else.

Looking back on it, I think I was reading too much into our relationship and I'm sure more than ever that we're just meant to be friends. I've also come to the conclusion that just because I have yet to find love doesn't mean that I won't find it one day. Who knows, maybe I'll find it unexpectedly one day. Until that day I will enjoy being single and the adventures that come with it.

*Names and instruments have been changed

When She Loved Me

She left me in the pouring rain with the shards of her soaked, ruined mix-tapes pressed into my palms.
I drove back to my house in a state of confusion and endless tears; "It was just a high school relationship..." She'd say later.

She asked me who I'd take to prom. All this time I had wanted to dance with her and see her in that dress.
But she didn't want to; my friends didn't care for her much, therefore, she wouldn't go.

She told me she was glad she didn't have to talk to me again. I was her biggest mistake.

She got mad when I wouldn't add her back on Facebook after she defriended me and sent me home in tears once again.

She gets angry when I don't hang out with her, she asks if there's some kind of problem because she can't see any.

"It was just a high school relationship..."


Now I ignore her. She talks to me, but I simply answer. She wants to catch up, but there is nothing more to say.
My roommate tells me to be friends, but how can I?
How can I sit next to the girl I once loved, the girl who broke me into pieces and call her a "friend" again?
She'd ask me if I met any girls, and would get angry and question me when I told her I still wasn't over that terrible breakup a few months prior.

And now, I don't know if I should feel bad...

When it was good, we used to joke about over who loved who the most,
I did. I must have.


But when she loved me...

My Grandparents story

My Great Grandparents, whose name I'll never know, were apart of the elite social class in Dominican Republic. They had government ties and money, they were from Spain. They came to Dominican Republic to work for the goverment. (Thats all my grandfather will ever tell me) The reason behind the mystery is because my grandfather, Vincent, was disowned for marrying my grandmother, Elena.
While he was attending university, he discovered a sandwich booth, working inside the booth was my grandmother. He began to buy sandwiches several times a day, he actually embarassed himself and asked her out several times. She declined. Until one day, He told her he was not going to take no for answer. She agreed to go on a date, they fell in love and began to see eachother everyday. The only problem was that he was rich and white, and she was black and poor. Her mother had enough of her casual dating and insisted in marraige. When he proposed this idea to his parents, they told him not to marry her, because she was black. How could they ever have a proper wedding? how could they pronounce her as his wife? There are so many eligible white beautiful women, why would you choose her? He didn't care what they said, he followed his heart. He married my grandmother. This action caused him his inheritance, he was disowned from his family and did not see them ever again. I asked him if he regreted his choice.. he said "Nunca, yo amo mi negra." (Never, I love my black girl.)

Hour and a Half Commute

I'm currently in a semi-long distance relationship. He lives in Queens, and I reside in Stony Brook for most of the year. Its no easy situation because of the fact that I don't see him as often as I'd like. He has such mixed feelings about this place. He loves coming here to spend the day with me, but hates the distance. Sometimes I think he hates Stony Brook in general for this reason. He's the sweetest guy I know, but honestly, it hurts me to know that he doesn't like the place I love the most.
I have to say that I have mixed feelings about being in a long distance relationship. For one, it really sucks to not be with my boyfriend for most of the year, but it also strengthens us. When I open the door to see him every Friday, I can't help but put on a smile the size of China. So you could say its a flaw and a benefit. Nonetheless I love him, and he's so giving. Only someone who loves you would make the hour and a half trip from Queens to see his girlfriend.
:)

National Platypus Day

National Platypus Day was yesterday! To celebrate, my friend from Michigan (Morgan...Z!) drove here. Though she had some difficulty with Boarder Patrol in Canada due to an overstuffed car (they didn't believe anyone with twelve platypus stuffed animals was only coming for a few days), she did make it here safely. Well, considering that she got one ticket due to a missing headlight bulb, which we fixed today.

Yesterday involved me cuddling with my platypus for up to 16 minutes. Morgan set all her animals around her. (My platypus is purple; Morgan had a range of colors.) We all sat by each other and appreciated the day. It was, in fact, much like my family's Kwanzaa celebration (except we didn't have Grandma Betty's bean dip or Uncle Junious' angel eggs).

We went into Manhattan to celebrate to glorious day. The weather matched our mood and the winter jacket I wore was not necessary. Morgan and I took turns wearing her platypus hat. We took many photographs but, unfortunately, they are all on her camera and alas, she is resting on my right foot as I type on my purple computer. (I got a purple computer to match my purple platypus.) I will post pictures in a future blog.

My Happiness

I've been with my boyfriend for 9 months and I couldn't be happier. I made a little banner for him, which by the way took two and a half hours.

So here's the banner: http://img196.imageshack.us/img196/5853/9month.jpg

-- Sorry for the short post, there isn't much to say about a banner.
I blended the three images together using the layer mask, the gradient tool and the eraser tool.
I colored it using the screen, lighten and color effects on layer blending options.
I used some overlay, more for the middle picture than the others.

Love...

I've been single for most of my life. For the most part I've enjoyed my single life as it's left me free. Though lately I've been wondering about relationships and love in general. Mostly I've been yearning(?) for a boyfriend.

Now I realize that relationships don't work like that( at least actual relationships). In order for a relationship to really work out one needs to be stable on their own before throwing another person into the mix. But even so lately I've can't help but daydream about what it would be like to actually be in one. To actually be in love and care about another person. However with these daydreams, they are that, daydreams.

These dreams of mine just that, and I'm once again awakened from it. I have to face the reality that I'm still single and that I should probably enjoy it while I still can. Who knows maybe this will be the last time I'll be free and happy. Maybe I'll become cynical in the future from the horrible relationships that I will have experienced. Then again I don't know for sure. Sigh and yet I still yearn for a relationship...

productivity = the opposite of love

I was in math today and I wrote a poem about how productivity is love's enemy. Love is such a sought after emotion, even though it is often ignored as a commitment. Artists try to capture love while posters try to coin love and writers try to explain love. Teenage girls just want to feel love.

But when you do "find" it, it's kind of like, well shit. You can't be productive when you're in love. You've captured this feeling that scholars seek and you're supposed to stop looking into those green eyes to do homework? It just doesn't make sense.

Love clashes with society. It's hard to be constant with your homework and your studies and your job when you just want to cuddle. But it's very important to maintain who you are and stay independent. Love is great but so is having independence and accomplishing things-- plus, those things last.

Valentines Day...Or as I like to call it S.A.D.

Once again it is that time of the year that people either A.) Love because they have a Valentine, B.) Loathe because they don't have one, or C.) Really don't care at all. As for me I am left feeling empty for the main fact that I've never truly been in love. The times that I thought I was in love would just end horribly. To give an example in the seventh grade I gave my crush a valentine which basically confessed my feeling's for him. The result (of which I was not there to see because I ran for it from embarrassment) was an exclamation of "EWWWW!" and eventually the valentine was left in the corner of the classroom for a week or two until it was eventually given back to me (I actually find the experience rather humorous now).

Though getting back on topic Valentine's Day has been for me a constant reminder of my status of being single as well as my lack of a love life. I mean for the 18 years that I have been alive not once has anyone given me a Valentine because they actually liked me nor have I had a boyfriend or significant other. Also I have never been kissed...yes, that is correct, I have never been kissed and I'm in college(I don't know if I should find this amazing or just sad). However with that being said I don't mind being single because, to be honest, I wouldn't know what to do if I suddenly got a boyfriend.

Also being single has it's benefit's as that I don't have to worry about spending time between hypothetical boyfriend and friends. I admit I will feel a twinge jealousy when I see all the happy love birds celebrating today. However until the time comes when I can celebrate this someone else I'll celebrate S.A.D. aka Singles Awareness Day. So until then Happy Valentines/Singles Awareness Day.