Love, will I ever find you?

Ah love, you seem to elude me at every turn in the form of crushed crushes. Though I know the real reason why I can never find you... it's because I never did those chain emails. You know, the ones that say "pass this on to 10 people otherwise a girl will come out of a mirror, and KILL YOU!!11!11!” Though in all seriousness, love, I have yet to experience you. Maybe because I've never been brave enough to find love myself? No, I was brave once and the result was not pretty.

At the time I was but a shy twelve year old who, on Valentines Day, decided to take a chance and give a valentine to Frankie*, the boy I had a crush on since kindergarten. He was blond haired and blue eyed, and was liked by almost all the girls in my class. He was leaving for Ireland later that year and I figured it was now or never to reveal my feelings for him. As I placed the valentine on his desk a friend of mine noticed and distracted when I looked back he was staring at me, holding my valentine and said "Kelly*, did you make this?” Feeling the heat on my face I did what anyone would do in this situation. I ran for it. I ran out the door down two flights of stairs, till I finally got into the old Audi. My dad was still smoking his Marlboro cigarette when he said "Munchkin, wha-" "JUST DRIVE!" I screamed as I quickly put on my seat belt and curled up into a ball in the backseat. I was left to wonder what was his reaction until I saw him the next day or so. Well as it turns out once I had left this is what he said "...EWWWWW!!!!!" he also threw the valentine to his friend who threw it back at him, and this continued until my valentine was left in the corner of the room where it chilled there for, I don't know, maybe a week or so? Eventually it was given back to me by one of my classmates, and later (for some unexplained reason) I apologized for even giving him the valentine in the first place.

Fast forward five years and I'm now in college. Still haven't found love, and had to (in a sense) be re-introduced to boys as I spent my high school years in an all girl school. I joined the marching band, where I fell for someone in my section. At first we weren't really friendly towards each other, though as time went on I grew to like him and he could make me so happy just by being there. I felt comfortable being around him, as though I didn't have to worry about being shy. As time went on these feelings persisted and I wondered if what I felt really was love or if I was just confusing it for something else. We mellowed out during the long winter break as I continued to wonder if there could be something between us. Eventually we were re-united and after one Friday night we unexpectedly bumped into each other and slowly made our way to Tabler in the dark coldness with his friends. As we passed the TAC we went to the right as his friends went left. His friends proceeded to make innuendos and the like as he expressed his disapproval. It was at this point that I thought it was now or never and in a feat of bravery, I kissed him. Taken aback he was about to say something when I interrupted him and said "I-I know I'm not that beautiful or amazing, but I think I like you and hoped that maybe, we could-" putting a finger to my lips he kissed my forehead. He brought me into a tight embrace as I felt the warmth of his body as well as happiness... at which point I snapped out of my day dream before I could slip on an icy patch. We were still walking when he said, "Kelly, you know I, really like..." feeling butterflies in my stomach I wondered, could it be that he likes me!?! Yes, you like.... Jessica*.... Jessica. The oboe* player trying to become a baritone horn player. He asked if I noticed anything between them, trying to conceal my pain I said maybe. He then had the audacity to ask, "Is there anyone in band you like?" I replied "Not, really..." feeling a sense of embarrassment, and..relief? We hugged before we parted ways and being alone once more I felt more relieved than anything else.

Looking back on it, I think I was reading too much into our relationship and I'm sure more than ever that we're just meant to be friends. I've also come to the conclusion that just because I have yet to find love doesn't mean that I won't find it one day. Who knows, maybe I'll find it unexpectedly one day. Until that day I will enjoy being single and the adventures that come with it.

*Names and instruments have been changed

Love...

I've been single for most of my life. For the most part I've enjoyed my single life as it's left me free. Though lately I've been wondering about relationships and love in general. Mostly I've been yearning(?) for a boyfriend.

Now I realize that relationships don't work like that( at least actual relationships). In order for a relationship to really work out one needs to be stable on their own before throwing another person into the mix. But even so lately I've can't help but daydream about what it would be like to actually be in one. To actually be in love and care about another person. However with these daydreams, they are that, daydreams.

These dreams of mine just that, and I'm once again awakened from it. I have to face the reality that I'm still single and that I should probably enjoy it while I still can. Who knows maybe this will be the last time I'll be free and happy. Maybe I'll become cynical in the future from the horrible relationships that I will have experienced. Then again I don't know for sure. Sigh and yet I still yearn for a relationship...

Valentines Day...Or as I like to call it S.A.D.

Once again it is that time of the year that people either A.) Love because they have a Valentine, B.) Loathe because they don't have one, or C.) Really don't care at all. As for me I am left feeling empty for the main fact that I've never truly been in love. The times that I thought I was in love would just end horribly. To give an example in the seventh grade I gave my crush a valentine which basically confessed my feeling's for him. The result (of which I was not there to see because I ran for it from embarrassment) was an exclamation of "EWWWW!" and eventually the valentine was left in the corner of the classroom for a week or two until it was eventually given back to me (I actually find the experience rather humorous now).

Though getting back on topic Valentine's Day has been for me a constant reminder of my status of being single as well as my lack of a love life. I mean for the 18 years that I have been alive not once has anyone given me a Valentine because they actually liked me nor have I had a boyfriend or significant other. Also I have never been kissed...yes, that is correct, I have never been kissed and I'm in college(I don't know if I should find this amazing or just sad). However with that being said I don't mind being single because, to be honest, I wouldn't know what to do if I suddenly got a boyfriend.

Also being single has it's benefit's as that I don't have to worry about spending time between hypothetical boyfriend and friends. I admit I will feel a twinge jealousy when I see all the happy love birds celebrating today. However until the time comes when I can celebrate this someone else I'll celebrate S.A.D. aka Singles Awareness Day. So until then Happy Valentines/Singles Awareness Day.